Today I woke up at 12pm and began wrangling with Housing benefit (who now claim to be sending money on Monday-I am hopeful but I know this is naive!) and then Wordpress. Needed a refresher for ages on how to use the old beast. Made good progress.
I watched television with my dad, all the shows blend into one after awhile. I do occasionally find myself compelled by British Bake Off (Back! Satan!), everything on it is too delectable! I'm pretty sure it's responsible for the cup-cake epidemic that has swept the West. In Brighton there's probably more cupcake shops than supermarkets. After awhile the frothy displays kind of torment you, "Witness my capitalist decadence!" they scream, in pseudo French accents.
BBC Music awards were on, usual display of plastic ritzy folk miming to rehashed crap. In particular I admired how their guitars seemed to playing entirely alone, no hands! Even Hendrix would salute that. I think....What a bunch of mindless hacks. I wish modern music wasn't so disappointing. Like, all the time.
Here's some real music to keep you afloat this dreadful winter.
I miss my boyfriend and his big fuzzy beard, and also my fluffy rag-doll and his admirable ruff. It's lonely in Hemel Hempstead, though it's good to spend time with my dad. It's hard not to think about my Nan while I'm here. She died recently and the whole thing was just heartbreaking. It's weird how quickly you get used to people dying. I've known about 5 that have gone, and each time it's a little easier and then it's horrible how easy it's getting. It's all pretty dark I guess.
I've dug myself back into self-help books, I do believe them highly useful but also, at points, really irritating. You have to be selective for sure. Otherwise you find the same 10 books regurgitated in a different (usually more stupid-friendly) format or setting. Like blockbuster movies. Except they propose to be life changing.
I'm reading Eckhart O Toole, I find his language a little patronizing at points but overall he explains his points excellently and I reckon he might have some answers, or a path to further answers.
My mood's been pretty stable today, so has my appetite. Been very disassociated, but that's the norm. I always find that with the medications, they can draw a curtain over your feelings abit. But maybe that's because my frame of reference relating to my feelings is so unpredictable, maybe what I consider numb is really just normal.
I get really high and really down and perhaps I'm not used to sitting in the middle. Why does that feel like a sacrifice? It's not a case of feeling special, although I do miss that super ego trip that comes sometimes with a mania, I think again, it's just your "normal" for awhile, and you base your values on that.
As I get better I'm having to restructure all the norms and values in my life, especially as I learn to look t myself objectively. That's bloody difficult! But everyone has to do it, change is the motor of life.